Chaos In A Bottle

So, I’ve noticed that there’s a movement, at least on YouTube, called #DearMe, where people write a letter to their younger selves.  Some of it’s funny, some of it’s poignant, and while I’ve done it myself recently, I thought I might revisit the idea.

Dear Me:

I’m writing this to the me-in-the-past (I’m not saying how far in the past, because it really doesn’t matter, and I have some vanity left) to tell you something about relationships. In particular, a relationship you’re going to get involved in, and what me-in-the-present needs you to know so that, maybe, you think twice.

See, there’s a big, BIG difference between boys-with-beards and men. You’re going to find this out, because you’re going to think a boy-with-beard is actually a man, and you’re going to find out differently.  I thought I’d point out a few of the differences to you, and maybe it’ll help you along the way.

A BWB (boy with beard, yanno) will talk a big game, but a man will put action to words.  Oh, that BWB is going to say lots of pretty words, like “I’ll keep you till there’s nothing left in our future but sunsets and rocking chairs”, but he’s not going to DO anything about it.  It’s too much trouble. He’ll tell you how he was burned, how he’s been hurt and can’t love, but the cold fact of the matter is he doesn’t want to put in the effort to love YOU. Harsh, but true.

A BWB will talk about his ambitions. A lot. He’ll give you all sorts of reasons why he’s not there YET, but he’s gonna be. A man doesn’t talk about his ambitions.  He chases them. If he tries and fails, he doesn’t tell you that it didn’t work out because of politics, or economics, or the powers that be upstairs that dislike him.  He will simply fall back, adapt, and overcome, and he won’t tell everyone along the way.

A BWB will tell you that he wants to protect you, take care of you, that you won’t want for anything – except, apparently, loyalty or someone with the courage to fight for you, because those things he won’t provide.  A man will protect your heart like it is the most precious treasure he’s ever been given – because it is. He won’t play games with it. He won’t lean on you for support and then fade away when YOU need HIM. He’ll be the rock you always needed. He’ll be your safe place to land.

That’s the bad news.  The good news? After that BWB has torn a big hole in you, a MAN will come along who will be with you while you put yourself back together. He’ll tell you you’re beautiful, and his eyes will tell you he MEANS it. He’ll hold you when you’re falling apart, and it’s because he sticks with you when you’re at your worst that he deserves you at your best. He’ll make you feel beautiful, desirable, and most of all VALUABLE, and you’ll never feel safer than you do in his arms. He’ll have a natural dominance that calls to your submission, he’ll make you laugh, and he’ll make you so grateful that the BWB is out of the way, because if he hadn’t been, you wouldn’t have seen this. And this – this is so much more than you ever thought it could be.

Oh – he’s exponentially hotter than the other guy, too.  Just so you know. Like – whoa.

So hang in there, me-in-the-past. It’s about to get a whole lot better.

The lovely Carrie Hope Fletcher recently wrote a letter to her younger self, and I thought to myself, “Self, you should do that”. Now that someone has been taking it upon themselves to be sure I understand just how insignificant I am, I’ve decided that it’s no longer a good idea, it’s a necessity.  Partly because I’m obstinate to the core, and if you tell me I’m homely and self-absorbed, I’ll do my best to flaunt both of those things in your face as loudly as possible, but also because maybe there’s a person out there who might need to pick up some of the things I’m gonna be putting down. Who knows? Like I keep saying, it’s my blog, and I’ll write what I want.

Dear 20-year-old Amber,

Well.  I’m writing us from 26 years down the road, and there’s good news and bad news. Isn’t that always the way? Which do you want first, the good or the bad?

Ok, here goes.

We’re still, shall we say, eccentric, still finding beauty in odd places and being bored by the things that interest 90% of the rest of the population. The thought of the zombie apocalypse still makes us kind of giggly, and we have even less of a “brain to mouth” filter than we had at 20.  Our hair got curly, which is kind of cool, but now living with it is less about styling and more about not angering the beast, so take that as you will.  Still have breasts that are way bigger than we’d like, still Irish pale, still not tall, not thin, not striking.

Thing is, you’ve been through some tough stuff recently, and you’re feeling pretty beaten up by the world. I want you to know that you’re  – that WE’RE – going to be ok. As a matter of fact, we’re going to be more than ok.

By the time you’re me,  we’re going to have some things going on in our lives that are really pretty cool.

We’re going to have not one, but TWO incredible daughters. Smart, beautiful, talented, and even more important than all that, caring and strong young women that will make us proud every single day. Oh, they’ll drive us nuts at times, but our parents say that’s just because there’s justice in the world.

And we wonder where the snark came from.

Anyway.

We’re gonna have people in our lives that love us for all our weirdness and not only do they love us, they GET us, and isn’t that freaking amazing??

We’ll reach 46 never having done the “walk of shame”, and be pretty proud of the fact – not because we didn’t have the opportunity for one night stands, but because we valued ourselves more than to just give it away for a night. We were worth more, and we waited until someone was worthy of all that we are. Don’t forget it.

I know you’re feeling pretty unexceptional right now, and pretty battered, but the road you’re gonna walk is gonna be full of as much beauty as it is ugliness, and here’s where that tendency to see the beautiful in the odd and weird is going to serve us well, because when others around us are going to be at a loss to find anything good in what’s going on around them, WE’RE gonna be able to do just that.

We’re going to – get this – WRITE THINGS DOWN AND GET PAID TO DO IT. Seriously!! Oh, you’re going to take your share of crappy retail and secretarial jobs along the way, but you’ll find that, eventually, you hold actual money in your hand that people gave you in exchange for your words!  We’re not wealthy, but we’re actually doing what we love, and apparently we don’t suck at it. Who knew??

So, yeah. Things can get pretty unpleasant, and I’d be lying if I said that the next 26 years were going to be all skittles and sweet tea, but to be honest, I think we turn out ok, and it’s the mountains that we’re going to climb that give us the endurance to keep going. Room for improvement?  Yeah, but at least that gives us something to keep working for.

Keep your head high, Amber.

Love,

Me

Myself and my reasons NOT to listen to the opinions of anonymous mud-slingers.

Don’t get crazy, now. Sit down, maybe stretch a bit. Warm up first.

Yeah, it’s been forever and a day since I’ve posted. I’d like to say all sort of really cool and exciting things happened, but in reality it was pretty much just life, and y’all know how that goes. And goes. And goes. Bri starting college, R. starting co-op for ASL, Bri DRIVING HER OWN CAR . . . excuse me, I need a drink before I can finish that thought.

Still writing. Yes, that book.  And another one, which is slowly taking precedence because, well, it just is, and because the men it concerns are total unrecognized heroes, and since it’s my brain I can slop it out however I want. Or not. Yes, it’s taking forever. I DON’T CARE, as long as I get it DONE. There’s research, y’all, and stuff, and actual things, and . . . So.

Summer came and went, Autumn came and went, Christmas came and went, New Year’s came and went, and I’m still here.  Still writing.  Still keeping on keeping on.  I’m surprisingly ok with that. I’m in a better place personally than I was this time last year, I believe, and as long as I can say that I’m happier with me and mine than I was before, I have to think things are going ok.

I’ve made some exceptional friends. EXCEPTIONAL friends. These people make my life better in so many ways I can’t even begin to list them out, and probably shouldn’t, because you might take things the wrong way, or go “hey, why aren’t I on there”, and if you say that you probably should be and my overloaded brain just forgot to include you, and I’m really sorry, but it’s my blog, so suck it up. It’s like you don’t even know me.

AND – there’s another project on the horizon, that I haven’t quite finished working out the details of yet, and it’s a joint issue with some amazingly hot, smart, sassy women and an amazingly amazing guy and I don’t know how I ended up in this particular company except that it was sort of my idea, except not totally, and when it rolls out you’ll see. I think you’ll like it. If you don’t, you might be a communist.

On Twitter, it’s #MilitaryMonday, so I did want to give a shout out to some of my very favorite folks who are currently serving, or have served, in defense of our country. On a day when we watched the official swearing in of a man determined to undermine our Constitutional freedoms, it seemed right to mention these people. I’m proud to call them friends, and humbled by their service.

Alex, Brian, Brough, Craig, David, Jeff, Keaton, Matt C., Matt P., Mekala P., Scott, Sean, Shawn C., Steve C., Steve H. – thank you.  From the bottom of my heart – thank you.

So…

How come when you’re talking to your friends, or your husband, they all say “you should get a blog, because you’ve always got so much to say”, which might be a way of saying you talk too much, but then, when you get the blog, you sit there and listen to the crickets chirp inside your head and can’t think of a thing to say??

I know only Faulkner could get away with a sentence like that, but I’m leaving it there anyway, because it’s my blog, and I can. Don’t judge me!

I might write occasionally about homeschooling, ’cause I do that. I might write about writing, ’cause I do that, too. Obviously. I might write about blogging, or dog training, or reading, or about how renovating a house that you live in is a pain in the butt. I might even write about the coming zombie apocalypse. Really. That’s the sort of thing you need to know about, right?

There’s no telling what might show up here, because I tend to be easily distractible have a lot of things going on at once. Might be anything. Your guess is as good as mine.

Because he’s adorable, here’s my Australian Shepherd Archer.  You know you wanted to see him.

Archer the Wonder Dog