If You’re Trying to Insult Me, You’ll Have To Try Harder


Posted on : 26-Sep-2014 | By : Amber | In : Complaints and such, Rambling rambles

It’s funny how posting about douchecanoes brings them out in droves, innit?

Apparently – and this is funny as heck to me, considering exactly where the jumpstart for my last post came from – someone thinks I’ve got my panties all in a twist because someone isn’t being communicative with ME.  That’s a lot of assumptions, not the least of which is that I actually wear panties in the first place. They accused me of all sorts of things, including chasing someone “out of my league” and being an “average, middle-aged woman”.

First things first – I’m chasing exactly no one. I’m off the market, and quite happy to be that way. Too bad you’re obviously so insecure in YOUR relationship that a blog post from that “average, middle-aged woman” discombobulated you to the point that you needed to make a nasty – anonymous – comment.

However, and this is a big one, it’s the fact that in someone’s mind “average middle-aged woman” was an insult.  I did a little research, ’cause I’m anal like that, and found out some things about that elusive beast, the AMAW.

The AMAW is educated beyond the high school level, more likely to have an advanced degree, and has had success in at least one career (not just a job, mind you) and often more. We’ve achieved a lot of things on our bucket lists, and are much more likely to be able to say “I’m doing exactly what I want to do with my life”.  We’ve had the incredible joy of not only becoming mothers but of seeing at least one of our children begin to step out into their own lives, though most of us have at least one child still at home.

We AMAWs are experienced in life in ways you younger girls (yep, girls) haven’t even begun to approach yet. We’ve learned how to do more with less, make things work when it looked like there was no way in Hades it was possible, had relationships thrive, had relationships fail, learned what our strengths really are, and learned that there were a whole hell of a lot more of those strengths than we thought possible when we were 30.  We’ve learned that it’s ok to fall apart, and that we don’t need anyone else to pick up the pieces. On the opposite side of that coin – we’ve also learned that sometimes the people in our lives NEED to pick up those pieces for us, and that letting them isn’t acknowledging weakness, it’s acknowledging love.  We don’t need a man to take care of us, but we’ve learned to revel in it when he wants to.

The AMAW knows what she wants sexually, knows her body and her desires, and knows what her lover wants and needs.  She’s less inhibited, more creative, and a LOT more experienced in the bedroom than a younger woman.  Unless the younger woman is a slut, and then, really, do you want to go there??

The AMAW is more confident, less drama prone, more creative, less flaky, and if we’ve traded in perfectly flat bellies for those with a gentle curve and some stretch marks, trust me when I say that when our lover’s eyes are rolled back in his head, he can’t see them.

I could go on, but I’ll end it with this, and I was reminded of this last comment by someone who has a way of cutting through the BS and saying truth straight out.  You know who you are, and I heart you with big fluffy hearts.

I am what you’ll become.  I’m your future.  You’ve got a long way to go, baby.  Better get cracking.



EDIT: Wow, the amount of time someone is spending to both reinforce my “averageness” and make sure I understand my lowly place in society is amusing. So, cupcake, to reply, since once again it’s my  blog and I can…

I’ve never once claimed to be anything but “average-looking”.  I don’t base my worth on my looks.  It still to this day amazes me that my daughters are so beautiful when they are, in fact, half mine. Must get it from their father.

You’re the one assuming that I’m saying “men are the problem”. The friend who inspired the post is, in fact,  male; the douchecanoe in his world is decidedly female.

I also have never said that you can’t, or shouldn’t, refuse or end a friendship that is not enhancing your life. However, if you can’t be bothered to use your words and tell a person that…if you use passive aggressive techniques such as never being the one to make contact first but once you’re speaking to someone you continue to “string them along”, for lack of a better term…then I’m standing by my douchebag claim.  Too many people get off on knowing they’ve got “options”, and forget that those options are human.

I have to wonder, here…what, exactly, is so personal  about this to you, and it has to be personal, because the amount of time you’ve put into both attempting to hurt me and prove me wrong is not insignificant.  I’m assuredly not after anything you’ve got (and since I’m so average looking I wouldn’t be a threat anyway), so I wonder, why have the words of one insignificant blogger hit such a raw nerve?


You Might Be A Douchecanoe If:


Posted on : 20-Sep-2014 | By : Amber | In : Complaints and such, Rambling rambles, Stuff I care about and you should, Very Important Things, zombies

I’m in a mood. Ok, so really, that’s not all that unusual, but suck it up and deal with it, buttercup.  You know where the back button is on your browser.  You’re probably only here because you were looking for Zombie Apocalypse Survival Tips, and I really only have a few of those. I might put them at the end of this post.  Or in the middle, so you have to actually read it to find them.  You should totally keep reading, ’cause those tips are the ish.




So, I was thinking, what exactly makes someone a good friend, and what makes them a douchecanoe? This train of thought made me sad, then angry, then disgusted with humanity in general and then the cravings set in and next thing I knew I was wondering Walmart at midnight looking for red wine and chocolate, so I figured I’d better just write it down or I’d end up drunk and/or fat(ter).  <Tip #1 – Never pass a chance to stockpile ammo, coffee, or toilet paper.  Hoard that stuff like gold.> I came up with these signs that, if you find they fit, you might, in fact, be a douchecanoe. Wow, that’s a lot of commas.  (Disclaimer: I know all of us do these things sometimes.  That makes you a human with a life. If, however, there’s a pattern there…yeah.)

  • If you talk to someone a lot, but THEY’RE always the one starting the text convos or initiating the calls, you might be a douchecanoe.
  • If it’s obvious that someone is upset, or sad, or depressed, or facing down a horde of hungry zombies, and you don’t at least try to offer comfort and/or ammo, you might be a douchecanoe.  Nobody is expecting you to solve all their problems, or at least sane people aren’t, but they’d like to know they aren’t fighting their battle alone.
  • If you have told a friend a bunch of big ole lies, and then assume that EVERYONE ELSE IS A LIAR, TOO, and get all bent out of shape about those imaginary lies – you’re definitely a douchecanoe.  You don’t even get a might tacked onto this one. It’s one thing to have baggage, another one entirely to assume everyone else is as totally screwed up as you.
  • <Tip #2 – Trip the more annoying members of your group.  The zombies will get them first, stopping to feed and both giving you time to get away and ridding you of a serious nuisance.>

So, what do you do if it turns out that you are, in fact, a whole canoe’s worth of douche?

Well, you could try NOT being a douchecanoe. You know, actually let people know that they’re important to you by making an effort now and then. Initiate a text conversation.  It won’t kill you. Surprise them with a phone call.  SHOW them that they mean something to you, if they do.  If they don’t, maybe it’d just be better to let them know that they mean about as much to you as one of those freebie newspapers that get thrown on your porch now and then, you know, the ones with the expired coupons and outdated movie listings. At least then they’ll learn what sort of person (and I use the term loosely) you really are and they’ll bestow their energy on someone who might actually deserve it. Unless they’re a douchecanoe, too, and in that case aren’t you made for each other,  life is too short to turn down a good friendship when it presents itself.

My Best Zombie Apocalypse Survival Tip:  Don’t be a douchecanoe. People are less likely to feed you to the undead hordes just to get rid of you then.  Just saying.

EDIT:  You might be an incredibly huge douchecanoe if you think this post was inspired by YOUR interactions with ME. It was inspired, in actuality, by something I’m watching a dear friend deal with (who isn’t, in fact, a douchecanoe). But if it makes you feel important, go right ahead and call me names in comments that I won’t post, ’cause it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want here.





I Just Can’t Even


Posted on : 13-Nov-2013 | By : Amber | In : Complaints and such, Stuff I care about and you should, Very Important Things

Apparently, one of the things I just can’t even is update regularly. I’d say I’d try to be better, but I can’t guarantee that’ll actually happen, so in the interests of not lying, I’ll just say hi.


Kinda nuts how things have changed in the last almost-year, and how much they haven’t.

Eldest is a full-time college student with a part-time job. I never see her much, but she’s also not asking for money, so I’m trying to look on the bright side.  I miss her being around, though, and not just because she was doing the drive to co-op twice a week. I actually like my kids, even though that seems to be an unpopular thing these days.

I’ve never had a problem going against the tide. Imagine that.

Like being politically conservative.  That seems to be going against the jet stream. During El Nino. Ok, I don’t really know that that would be any worse than actually swimming against the regular tide, but it sounds more dramatic, so just go with me.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Conservative. Me. I am.

See – I don’t think that minorities of any ilk need government hand-outs to move ahead in life. I don’t think that I, or anyone else, should have a say in the private affairs of two consenting adults – and I don’t think I, or anyone else, should be responsible for financing that life. I think that an economic climate that allows business to operate freely, with minimal interference, fosters more jobs and more opportunity and more prosperity.

I don’t think that the government is better at spending my money than I am, and I’m VERY sure that I’m better at helping people I see that need it than the feds are. Call me crazy.

Lots of people do. Or they did, until the debacle that is Obamacare. I’m trying not to giggle when I see things like “I thought it was a good idea, until I had to pay for it.”.


Why does it seem impossible for people to understand that the government doesn’t MAKE money. It doesn’t produce anything. All of its income comes from taxes. Who pays taxes? THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. Well, most of them, any way.

Want universal healthcare? Better be prepared to pay for it.

Want education for all? Better be prepared to pay for it.

Want housing assistance? Better – I’m sure you get the gist.

Every time the government subsidizes (look it up, folks) someone’s housing, or healthcare, or education, or food, that money comes FROM TAXES.  When they give out more than they take in, there are a limited number of options. Borrow from other countries like China, cut spending somewhere else, or raise taxes.

This is economics 101, people, but it seems to be a relatively simple concept that is escaping the vast majority of voters.

I’m just sayin’.  Until the zombie apocalypse happens and we’re all reduced to bartering for instant coffee and shoes, this is a concept everyone needs to understand.

After the apocalypse, though, all bets are off.  I have enough ammo and coffee to keep going for a long, long time.


The Spam – Dear Lord, the Spam…


Posted on : 04-Aug-2011 | By : Amber | In : Complaints and such, general complaining, Rambling rambles

If I’d known about the amount of spam I’d get in my comments, I might have reconsidered writing a blog in the first place. Ok, maybe not, but I would have complained a lot more about it.

Spammers – why do you choose me? I don’t have a large readership. I’m not sponsored by anyone. I can count on my fingers and toes the number of people not related to me who read this, and still have digits left. I’m pretty sure my mom gave up reading after the second post or so. Listen closely to the words that are coming out of my virtual mouth.

I do not want to buy generic drugs online. I am not interested in anime porn. I don’t ride a motorcycle, speak russian, or need a way to increase the size of some anatomy I don’t possess. Really. Your comments aren’t going to help you. No one who is interested will read them, most likely because I won’t approve them, and even if they get through, because I was half asleep (something my kids take advantage of way too often), I’ll figure it out eventually and take them off the blog.

Go away.

Go far, far away.

You make me unhappy, and that upsets my family’s delicate balance – you know, the one where they tiptoe around and don’t upset the crazy woman who lives in their midst.