You Might Be A Douchecanoe If:

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Posted on : 20-Sep-2014 | By : Amber | In : Complaints and such, Rambling rambles, Stuff I care about and you should, Very Important Things, zombies

I’m in a mood. Ok, so really, that’s not all that unusual, but suck it up and deal with it, buttercup.  You know where the back button is on your browser.  You’re probably only here because you were looking for Zombie Apocalypse Survival Tips, and I really only have a few of those. I might put them at the end of this post.  Or in the middle, so you have to actually read it to find them.  You should totally keep reading, ’cause those tips are the ish.

 

keep-calm-and-don-t-be-a-douchecanoe

 

So, I was thinking, what exactly makes someone a good friend, and what makes them a douchecanoe? This train of thought made me sad, then angry, then disgusted with humanity in general and then the cravings set in and next thing I knew I was wondering Walmart at midnight looking for red wine and chocolate, so I figured I’d better just write it down or I’d end up drunk and/or fat(ter).  <Tip #1 – Never pass a chance to stockpile ammo, coffee, or toilet paper.  Hoard that stuff like gold.> I came up with these signs that, if you find they fit, you might, in fact, be a douchecanoe. Wow, that’s a lot of commas.  (Disclaimer: I know all of us do these things sometimes.  That makes you a human with a life. If, however, there’s a pattern there…yeah.)

  • If you talk to someone a lot, but THEY’RE always the one starting the text convos or initiating the calls, you might be a douchecanoe.
  • If it’s obvious that someone is upset, or sad, or depressed, or facing down a horde of hungry zombies, and you don’t at least try to offer comfort and/or ammo, you might be a douchecanoe.  Nobody is expecting you to solve all their problems, or at least sane people aren’t, but they’d like to know they aren’t fighting their battle alone.
  • If you have told a friend a bunch of big ole lies, and then assume that EVERYONE ELSE IS A LIAR, TOO, and get all bent out of shape about those imaginary lies – you’re definitely a douchecanoe.  You don’t even get a might tacked onto this one. It’s one thing to have baggage, another one entirely to assume everyone else is as totally screwed up as you.
  • <Tip #2 – Trip the more annoying members of your group.  The zombies will get them first, stopping to feed and both giving you time to get away and ridding you of a serious nuisance.>

So, what do you do if it turns out that you are, in fact, a whole canoe’s worth of douche?

Well, you could try NOT being a douchecanoe. You know, actually let people know that they’re important to you by making an effort now and then. Initiate a text conversation.  It won’t kill you. Surprise them with a phone call.  SHOW them that they mean something to you, if they do.  If they don’t, maybe it’d just be better to let them know that they mean about as much to you as one of those freebie newspapers that get thrown on your porch now and then, you know, the ones with the expired coupons and outdated movie listings. At least then they’ll learn what sort of person (and I use the term loosely) you really are and they’ll bestow their energy on someone who might actually deserve it. Unless they’re a douchecanoe, too, and in that case aren’t you made for each other,  life is too short to turn down a good friendship when it presents itself.

My Best Zombie Apocalypse Survival Tip:  Don’t be a douchecanoe. People are less likely to feed you to the undead hordes just to get rid of you then.  Just saying.

EDIT:  You might be an incredibly huge douchecanoe if you think this post was inspired by YOUR interactions with ME. It was inspired, in actuality, by something I’m watching a dear friend deal with (who isn’t, in fact, a douchecanoe). But if it makes you feel important, go right ahead and call me names in comments that I won’t post, ’cause it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want here.

 

 

 

 

Lifepocalypse

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Posted on : 20-Jun-2011 | By : Amber | In : Dogs, general complaining, married life, parenting brilliance, Rambling rambles, Teenagers, zombies

So, I’d like to say that the reason I haven’t updated in oh, ever, is because I’ve been doing Really Exciting and Wild Things ™, but in fact, I’ve just been lazy. Sue me – it’s not like I get PAID to write this stuff. Contact me about doing ads on this blog and we’ll talk.

Instead of doing R.E.&W.T. ™ , I’ve been doing stuff like the following:

Threw a ball for Archer the Wonder Dog to catch, but instead he hit it with his nose and it flew back and clobbered me in the head.

Watched my eldest go to her first prom, and nearly died because (a) she’s gorgeous and (b) I’m old.

I am in so much trouble, being this one\’s mother…

 

Still not feeling better about my parenting chances here…

Wrote not nearly enough about zombies and way too many tweets.

Became addicted to The Glee Project, because not only do I watch Glee with the sort of rabid intensity I usually save for scifi and chocolate, I am apparently a sucker for people younger and prettier than myself who have so much talent it hurts. If you’re wondering, I’m pulling for Damian McGinty.

Damian McGinty

Yeah, I wanna see this guy on GLEE.

Realized that all the shows I usually watch are now in hiatus, got very sad, and then realized that Eureka is about to come back for the summer, and got glad again.

Remembered that the next installment of Gail Garriger’s The Parasol Protectorate series is due out very, very soon, and became rather giddy.

Bought Argent Vite by my dear friend Kaye and devoured it in a day. It’s available via Lulu and iBooks, and you should all go out and read it. Right now. Go on. I’ll wait.

Planted growing things in my gardens, realized I hadn’t bought enough of them to do the job, and since I’d already cleared out the OLD things for the NEW things, my flowerbeds look like they have alopecia. I guess that’s ok, though, since that matches my lawn. I rock so hard.

Tried to convince my guy that I could use a pet dryer for things other than drying Archer the Wonder Dog after his bath. The thing is, I actually COULD, but he’s not buying it – the story or the dryer. Why did I ever think practicality was an attractive quality in a man?? It’s a good thing he’s hot, that’s all I’m sayin’.

So – yeah. How did this become my life again?

P.S. – after proofing this for me, Patrick thinks everyone will believe that all I do is watch television and that our life stinks. Ya’ll know better than that – I eat and bathe occasionally, too. Take that, Patrick.

P.P.S. – if you’re just leaving a comment here because it’ll get you more traffic and better ratings with Google, then you need to go away. I actually READ the comments before I approve them, and if you’re putting up things like “this article had great informations can you tell me more?” while coding 482 links to Russian porn into the comment, you’re not going to get approved. Don’t try to sell stuff on my blog, ya’ll. I don’t even do that.

Yeah, I know, but my life is a time suck – don’t judge me!

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Posted on : 12-Feb-2011 | By : Amber | In : miscellaneous garbage, Rambling rambles, zombies

I realize I need to update this thing more often. I kinda stink at things like that, so if you’re looking for me to entertain/enlighten/enrage you on a daily basis, that probably isn’t going to happen, unless you want to pay me to do so, and then I might think about it. Maybe.

The thing is, despite being home most of the time, I never seem to have the time available to update as often as I want to or think I should. I’d offer a reason, but I really don’t have one, and I’m not good at excuses, since they all come out something like “I would have updated but I had to attend an emergency meeting of ‘Citizens Against Zombie Attack’ because we’re preparing for the upcoming zombie apocalypse”. Which might or might not be the truth. Most people tend to disbelieve me when I tell the truth, funnily enough, so I tend to just stay silent and glare. I save lies for my writing.

However, because I’m made of awesome (shut up, I could be, in some cultures), I’m going to attempt to update more than I have been lately, which shouldn’t be too hard, really. The fact of the matter is I’m basically boring and a bit unhinged, so I haven’t wanted to wear anybody out with my ramblings and wordy insanity.

Also, and this is off the subject but not really, what IS it about my posts that invites hundreds of comments from Russian escort services and Canadian drug sellers? Do I have something secret written in Cyrillic, that maybe I wrote in my sleep or something? Am I moonlighting as a purveyor of purloined pharmaceuticals? Maybe I used the word “perv” too much. All I know is I wish they’d quit leaving those comments, because they make me feel dirty, and not in a good way.

Before you leave, you should go to my friend J’s blog; she’s a fantastic writer, and you won’t regret the time you spend there. Plus, she’s a lot more interesting than I am, and she updates more. J’s blog; tell your friends.

Barnes & Noble is after my retirement, ya’ll

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Posted on : 11-Jan-2011 | By : Amber | In : Rambling rambles, Reading, zombies

Seriously. I’m not joking.

I got a nookColor for Christmas, which is one of the best things an addicted avid reader like myself can get. The thing is, I’m beginning to think a crack habit would be easier to support, because I read really quickly, and then I’m all “I’m out of stuff to read”, and my nook is all “It’s ok, just hit the shop icon and you can buy something else to read without even getting out of your chair, and you get to read it instantly”, and then I’m all “Well, ok, just one more time”, and the next thing I know Patrick is glaring at me and asking me if I know how much money I’ve spent at Barnes & Noble.

Um, no, I don’t, because it’s like crack, and you don’t keep receipts from your dealer. If your dealer even gives receipts, which they probably don’t, but since B&N is a really classy dealer, they do, but they email it to me, so I just delete it because, really, who wants to be constantly reminded of their crack book habit?

A nook should come with a medical or financial warning label. And maybe a referral to a couples counselor. Or financial planner.

Oh – yes, I did buy a book – ok, 3 books – that had zombies in them, but really, the zombies weren’t the whole raison d’etre for the books existance, and see, I’m using French, so I’m becoming more literate with every dollar I spend book I read.

And you should all go read Boneshaker, by Cherie Priest, even if you’re not into zombies, or steampunk, because everyone should be into good writing and great storytelling. I loaned it to my man, who has yet to read it.

I think I need these in asbestos

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Posted on : 05-Sep-2010 | By : Amber | In : exercise, miscellaneous garbage, zombies

Ok, so I was reading The Un Mom, because the post was about exercise being bad for you and I’m all about not exercising, and I decided that if I were going to exercise, I needed asbestos shorts, because when I do exercise, my thighs might rub together so hard my underwear catches on fire, and really, there’s nothing weirder than some chick running down the street with her behind in flames, and I have to live in this neighborhood, you know?

So, I decided that I need a pair of these, only made out of asbestos or Nomex or something.  Then no matter how hot my thighs got, there would be no flaming panties, and the entire neighborhood could rest easier without worrying that the lady down the street was going to catch their dogwoods on fire every time she took the dog for a walk.

Now, if I were being chased by zombies, I would totally want my butt on fire because not only would it make me run faster, it might actually take care of the zombies behind me, and then I could slow down and extinguish my hind parts.

I need to be rich

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Posted on : 05-Sep-2010 | By : Amber | In : general complaining, homeschooling, zombies

Seriously.  I need to be rich.  I’m buying my girls’ books for this school year.  Yes, I’m buying them in September, yes, it’s late, quit yelling at me.  I’ve got one in third grade and one in tenth grade, and it’s like buying college textbooks.  ONE of B’s books costs more than the most expensive college text I ever purchased, and I was a snob and bought a lot of new books, and no, I’m not THAT old.

I already pay taxes for the public school system I don’t use, and before you ask, no, I don’t get any of it back.  There’s no tax credit for having the sense to avoid the local school system here.  You’d think I could get some sort of discount somewhere, you know?  “Hello, I’m homeschooling and poor, can I have a discount?”

Note:  Apple gives homeschoolers their educator’s discount.  That’s why I love them and why I’m writing this on a MacBook.  No, I don’t get paid to say that, but if they wanted to throw a new iPad my way, I’d take it.

Ok, I’m not actually poor, but since I’m homeschooling I don’t work outside of freelancing writing, and that’s not exactly putting me in contention with JK Rowling for earnings.  I should totally write a survival guide for zombies – not for the zombies but for surviving the zombies.  The zombies probably can’t read anymore, because their brains are turning to mush.