Chaos In A Bottle

Ok, so I was reading The Un Mom, because the post was about exercise being bad for you and I’m all about not exercising, and I decided that if I were going to exercise, I needed asbestos shorts, because when I do exercise, my thighs might rub together so hard my underwear catches on fire, and really, there’s nothing weirder than some chick running down the street with her behind in flames, and I have to live in this neighborhood, you know?

So, I decided that I need a pair of these, only made out of asbestos or Nomex or something.  Then no matter how hot my thighs got, there would be no flaming panties, and the entire neighborhood could rest easier without worrying that the lady down the street was going to catch their dogwoods on fire every time she took the dog for a walk.

Now, if I were being chased by zombies, I would totally want my butt on fire because not only would it make me run faster, it might actually take care of the zombies behind me, and then I could slow down and extinguish my hind parts.